Category Archives: Silly

Red dirt hog

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A few days ago Leah and I were privileged to sight one of the rarest animals in this area. It is so rare that most scientists insist that it does not exist today, if it ever did. Confirmed sightings in its what is considered to be its normal range are next to nonexistent. There have been only a handful of unconfirmed sightings on the mountain, and even locals dismiss those as hoaxes or misidentifications. But we saw one, and we took its picture: the Lavender Mountain red dirt hog (sus erymanthus enluvius).

Red dirt hog surfacing to breathe

Red dirt hog surfacing to breathe

While most people are aware that hogs like to wallow in mud because of a lack of sweat glands and a disposition generally disinclined to excessive concern with personal grooming, few know that many millennia ago, an isolated group of surface hogs living in the Mississippi River Valley slowly evolved so that they could burrow deep into the sediments of that region. Over the following eons, they developed the sharp digging claws and streamlined physiques necessary for spending most of their time diving deep into the earth searching for their prey, the dirt krill. Most fundamentalists deny that surface hogs could have evolved into the dirt hog and insist on a special creation, possibly by the devil, since dirt hogs were historically known to cause extensive damage to crop fields as they surfaced and dived.

Early settlers moving west across the Appalachians confused the dirt hog with the groundhog, attempting to pet them when they surfaced. That resulted in the loss of quite a few fingers and was largely responsible for the dirt hog’s reputation for viciousness. However, it is thought today that the dirt hogs in these cases actually thought they were grabbing earthworms due to their poor eyesight. Nevertheless, it is not advisable to try to pet a dirt hog.

It is thought that the dirt hog slowly colonized eastward from the Mississippi River Valley, following tributaries, until they reached the Appalachian Mountain Range. At that point they advanced southward until they reached the Gulf and Atlantic coastal plains. That then allowed them to proceed up rivers in those regions, eventually landing them as far north as this area.

However, according to the best-known and most reputable cryptozoologists, they should be confined to areas of deep sedimentary deposits, like the flood plains around larger streams and rivers. Conventional science predicts that the dirt hog cannot tunnel through rocky areas, and since they cannot survive long on the surface, they should not be able to reach the top of the mountain. This finding conclusively refutes that position.

We plan to report this sighting to the investigative branch of the National Dirt Hog Association.

Monster in the attic

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My brother and I found this note stashed away among pictures and documents that my mother had saved. It’s from my mother to my father, who was called Vaughan, his and my middle name, by family.

notetovaughan2

It’s a little hard to read, so here’s what my mother wrote:

“Vaughan

We have something in the cabinet over the stove or in the attic or in the vent pipe. It sounds big.”

Then, after the drawing of some kind of sharp-toothed and –clawed animal with a yawning mouth, my father replied:

“You think I’m going in the attic if it sounds like that?”

This note was from some time in the 1970’s I think. It was written on a little pad from the Celanese plant where my mother worked. I remember the incident; it was a mouse that had somehow fallen into the stud cavity in the kitchen wall and was unable to get out. We first heard it, then smelled it after it died. I fished it out after it became mummified.

I also remember adding the “something” in the drawing.

I don’t know exactly why my mother saved the little note along with so many other more understandable things, but I’m glad she did.

IBS

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It’s a condition that affects many, many people, but it’s never talked about, and as far as I know, there is no research on the subject. It’s embarrassing. Many people are hesitant to even to mention it. Doctors don’t seem to be inclined to help, if you can bring yourself to talk about it. The few treatments aimed at similar conditions don’t seem to help much, so most of the afflicted are left to suffer on their own. The condition is, of course, IBS – Itchy Back Syndrome*.

I have to wonder: how many people you see every day walking through the store or driving along the highway are IBS sufferers? You might see someone reaching around as far as they can for that spot on their back that’s just a little too far away. Why does it seem that the itch is right in the middle of the back, too far to reach from any direction? Especially since most sufferers are older and not as limber as they used to be.

My father was an IBS sufferer. I can picture him now standing in the doorway, rubbing his back against the door frame, like a bear scratching on a tree.

I never thought I would have it, but I do now. And so does Leah.

We’re among the lucky ones who can talk about the problem. Now we both understand that old saying, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.”

* I know that a lot of people suffer from a more serious version of IBS, that collection of symptoms known as irritable bowel syndrome. Leah was once diagnosed with IBS. That’s when I learned that there isn’t much that doctors can do about the “real” IBS either. In Leah’s case, her problem turned out to be a bowel obstruction caused by scar tissue from the colon cancer she had back in the late ‘90s.

 

A few considerations on a recent report regarding a preferred orientation for a dog’s body along magnetic field lines during the process of elimination

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(Note: Part of this post was published earlier today. Due to some problems, apparently mainly my ignorance of WordPress, it was incomplete at that time.)

I’m a keen observer of dog behavior, so I was naturally interested when the news media reported that dogs like to face north or south when they poop. The reports are based on a Czech-German study of the body orientation of dogs during defecation. The study finds that dogs prefer to align their bodies in the north-south direction when pooping. I’ve learned not to rely on the general news media for any real understanding of science, or anything else, so I decided to find the original study. It appears that the reports in the media are a reasonably accurate statement of the study’s findings. For a change. As far as they go.

The actual title is “Dogs are sensitive to small variations of the Earth’s magnetic field.”

To summarize: the researchers used a group of volunteer dog owners to record their dogs’ orientation during various activities, and finally concentrated on the process of defecation. They found that during periods when the Earth’s magnetic field is stable (not changing in direction or intensity), the dogs preferentially aligned themselves in a north-south direction. They did not do so during periods when the magnetic field was changing.

I didn’t do a deep analysis of the study, so I can’t judge the validity of the statistical results (assuming it’s not a complete hoax). It sounds a little flaky to me, especially since it relied on observations by ordinary dog owners, and also included no Doberman pinschers. I noted a fairly large number of small dogs, who can be notoriously contrary. Dachshunds in particular seem to be overrepresented. If the small dogs were even slightly suspicious about the nature of the study*, they would almost certainly have attempted to sabotage the results, just for the heck of it. Because that’s the way they roll.

Volunteer dog owners actually performed the observations. That’s not necessarily a fatal flaw, but it is a weakness. I assume the dog owners were told what to do, but not exactly why they were doing it. They presumably could have been familiar with the researchers’ previous, related work**, but whether that could have or did influence their observations is uncertain.

My own observations of dogs pooping are extensive. I don’t go out of my way to see it, but when you’re walking a dog and hoping that he will just please god get it over with it’s starting to rain harder, you really can’t help but notice. I have a lot of experience noticing it, going back at least to 1979, when I adopted Jesse, continuing through four other dogs and ending with our current two, Zeke and Lucy.

Based on my observations, small dogs, especially miniature pinschers, do not give a crap where they crap, or what direction they’re aimed when they do it. We have had Lucy for almost a year, and throughout that time I have taken her and Zeke on the same path around the house multiple times every day. I think a reasonable estimate of the number of trips is between 800 and 1000. By now I am pretty sure she knows the path, and could run it backwards blindfolded if food were involved. And yet when she feels the need to poop, which is surprisingly often, she stops wherever she happens to be and does it. Right in the path, where we will walk again within a few hours. It does not occur to her that if she went a few feet to the side of the path we would not have to treat the path like a minefield. Or maybe it does occur to her. Dogs have a different sense of humor from humans, and more different from female humans in particular.

I am pretty sure there is no preferred orientation of her body when the urge is acted on. The direction appears to be random. However, I will try to be more observant from now on. My iphone has a compass app, so I can check fairly easily, if I can remember to take it with me on walks around the house.

My observations of Zeke, on the other hand, indicate that there is a strong directional preference, but it does not involve the Earth’s magnetic field. If Zeke happens to feel the need to poop when we’re walking around the house, he goes into the woods, searches a while for precisely the best location, and unloads there. I don’t think he has shown a preferred compass heading for this process. If, on the other hand, he waits for our long walks down and back up the mountain, he does show a very strongly preferred orientation, but it is a matter of geographical gradient rather than the Earth’s magnetic field.

We live on a mountain, so for essentially our entire walk there is an uphill slope on one side of the road, and in places it’s quite steep. I know Zeke is looking for a rest stop when he climbs up and starts walking along the slope. When he’s ready, he turns to face downhill, with his rear end aimed up. And then he poops. He apparently is unfamiliar with the old saying about what direction poop rolls on a hill.

I don’t have a good explanation for Zeke’s behavior, but it is essentially 100 percent repeatable. I just figure he missed the heavenly doggy class on which way to poop on a mountain.

* It is not unlikely, in my opinion, that the researchers’ previous work in animal sensitivity to the Earth’s magnetic field would be know. Although, come to think of it, I doubt that many small dogs regularly read scientific journals, even if they are publically available online.

** It is far more likely that the dog owners could have read the researchers’ previous work, if for no other reason than that they are more likely than dogs to own computers.

I know what dogs like

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A veterinarian at some Web site recommended that dog owners not give their pets typical commercial treats. You should give them baby carrots because they’re healthy and dogs love them. Carrots are cheap, so we thought we’d give it a try. I offered Zeke and Lucy some pretty little carrots. Zeke is polite, so he took his to his bed and spit it out. Lucy doesn’t give a hoot so she just dropped it immediately.

This came as no surprise to me. I’m not a veterinarian or a dog behavior expert, but I know what dogs love, and carrots isn’t it. What dogs love is human treats. I’ve seen the intense stare when I stand in the kitchen eating one of those giant marshmallows (Each one is a meal!). Zeke switches his gaze between me and the marshmallow. As I said, he’s polite. Lucy, on the other hand, stares single-mindedly at the marshmallow, opening and closing her jaws when I take a bite, willing the marshmallow to be in her mouth instead of mine.

Lucy can recognize the particular sound that a plastic bag of marshmallows makes when a twist-tie is being undone. It is basically impossible for me to eat an entire marshmallow when they are in the house.

Here are Zeke and Lucy working Leah over to get a bite of marshmallow.

Watch your fingers

Watch your fingers

This is a setup, of course, because I wanted to document this behavior if either one of us ends up accidentally eaten while holding a marshmallow.

It’s pretty much the same thing if I get ice cream. In either case, they come and stare. Zeke drools. Lucy has better lip control. Or maybe she’s better at conserving vital digestive fluids.

They also like peanut butter. Each one has their own appropriately-sized peanut butter bong. Lucy gets as much of the peanut butter as she can out of hers, and then when Zeke is finished, she tries to climb into his bong.

Does my head smell like peanut butter?

Does my head smell like peanut butter?

Maybe Leah and I should make our own doggie treats. I’m thinking peanut butter flavored ice cream with marshmallows.

This post was inspired in part by Pablo’s post about his two dogs’ intent stare at food.